A Trip Down Memory Lane...

Goodbye...? Oh no, please. Can't we go back to page one & do it all over again?

Nostalgia. That is what I'm feeling since yesterday when I realised that on 24th May 2012 was when I officially left Secondary School....

A lot has happened since then, the last 8 years have certainly been full of ups and downs, challenges, tears and happiness. This year however is also special for me as I'm graduating from university in September...

I'm asking myself where has the time gone? It flew by! 

Leaving Kelmscott Secondary School felt like leaving a home, where everyone I know was family to me, I know my journey for the 5 years I was there wasn't an easy one, but it made me into the I am today & there are just too many people to thank, even then I don't think thank you would be enough. I have endured a lot during my time at Kelmscott, was bullied, picked on & judged and if you ask me whether I moved on, the answer is yes and I have also forgiven those responsible. 

On the flip side I made a fantastic friend for life, whom I'm blessed to call my sister today, I treasure the conversations I used to have with teachers & to this day respect & miss every SINGLE staff member at Kelmscott. Simply because they not only taught me life lessons or believed in me. 

But it was the incredible TEACHERS who at that time pulled me out of the darkness especially my FORM TUTUORS & HEAD OF YEAR, who were my supporting pillars and understood what I was going through. I was brought up to respect whomever I meet, but as I grew up I realised respect is EARNED not given. Often during my time at kelmscott I was actually known as 'teachers pet' which yes upset me, but at the same time it didn't make a difference because it was THEM who listened, supported me academically and personally. I respect them to this day because of the respect they gave me! I firmly believe that teachers are like your parents, they know you and know how to support you through whatever life throws at you... But, one of the biggest & main reason is that every SINGLE teacher I met at Kelmscott ACCEPTED me for who I am, treated me as an EQUAL & give me opportunities to flourish & reach my potential. I may not have been a student rep, prefect or head girl (which would've been amazing), but I learned the value of FRIENDSHIP, RESPECT & ACCEPTENCE. Acceptance was an eye opener for me because I accepted myself as I AM! Accepted that I am NOT different to everyone, I do have complex health issues, but most importantly accepted that I can still thrive as anyone else would, regardless of how long it takes! 

My four years at Leyton Sixth Form College gave me a voice, the confidence to speak out whenever I felt something wasn't working for me or I was struggling. I had a blast! Granted doing the same course for years kinda lost its appeal (repetitive information put me to sleep!) 

I wasn't badly bullied and again I forgave those responsible, but I certainly met incredible friend whom today I love, respect & trust! They are my rock alongside my secondary school friend!

Yet again I met wonderful teachers whom I respect & miss to this day! The conversations I had with each teacher are those that I still remember. I can honestly say that there was not one person who didn't accept me or treated me equally! Because ALL of them accepted me, gave me opportunities & supported me during my darkest times. My third year at college comes to mind when I had my first mental breakdown, was ill most of the year & shut myself off from everyone around me. it was my FORM TUTOR who noticed I was in a bad place, not only her but also the rest of the teachers. It was that year I was persuaded to start counselling & have to say it was what I needed! THANK YOU doesn't seem enough for every SINGLE staff member at LSC...

During my time at Leyton Sixth Form I flourished not only academically, but also personally. I came out my shell, gained more and more confidence as the years went. Was appointed as student rep, library ambassador & curriculum ambassador! I literally thoroughly loved me time at LSC & will never forget the years & the good times I had! Who would've thought I would receive QMUL awards 2 times! I was honoured to receive a student award at the end of my time at LSC! 

Never did I imagine I'll be a student at one of London's top university! Being accepted at University College London has been my biggest achievement yet! I have many others to name!! I can wholeheartedly say that I enjoyed my journey at UCL Institute of Education over the last 4 years! It started out great, had a peaceful first year before the storm hit in summer 2017 & from that point on everything changed.... 

I won't lie I have met some great people on my course, but as an insecure person I never really felt as though I FIT in, even though BA Education Studies is a fantastic & interesting degree but connecting those on my course was DIFFICULT! So I kinda failed at the making friends at university, not exactly the person to join societies either (that's just me!) But that is not to say I was a COMPLETE loner! No! Eventually I made some really good friends & I'm connecting with people! 

I may not have had much luck making friends, but I have met wonderful professors who respected me, treated me as an adult, offered me academic & personal advise, gave me opportunities to speak out & most importantly supported me through the dark times since September 2017. I admit that summer 2018 I was deciding on DROPPING OUT of university as I was in a bad place physically & mentally, yet it was the professors who provided ALTERNATIVES for me, listened to my concerns &gave me full support to get through everything. I can easily say that the level of support I've received is still going as my struggles are not over, but I have feeling I WILL graduate in September. Again THANK YOU doesn't seem enough! 

Thank you doesn't seem enough for ALL the AMAZING, WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE & INSPIRING teachers I've had since my time at secondary school. They weren't just my teachers, they were my MENTORS! No words can describe the respect I have for them or how much they've changed my life! 

TEACHERS & PROFESSORS 

   I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but you for, my heart has no bottom!

Mental Health Awareness

It's okay to not be okay...

I know that Mental Health Awareness Week has just passed, but I've been dealing with personal issues...

As a kid and during my teen years I never really paid attention to mental heath as much as I should've, it all started during my third year at college & since then I have been more aware about my mental health and how it impacts my life. Granted I never really paid close attention to the various signs until about 3 years go. That being said I'm still learning, I'm on journey that is one of the difficult ones in my life, it has opened my eyes to whole new world. 

Mental health. it sounds like another term, but if you dig deep there's a whole new meaning.... Every single person is suffering from anxiety, depressing, stress and so on. Often you don't realise it, why? Because it's not something you can SEE! Those suffering find ways to find ways to hide their issues for reasons, the common one being no one would understand. That is one that I relate to because not many  people know I suffer with mental heath. I never recognised the signs at first either, but during my third year at college I had my first ever mental breakdown, everything just got too much, but I tried to hide that fact I was suffering due to fear and judgment. I learned a valid lesson from that. DON'T HIDE! SPEAK OUT, LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ARE SUFFERING, GET THE RIGHT SUPPORT YOU NEED! 

Eventually I did start counselling & honestly it changed my life, it pulled me out of the darkness, I was able to uncover many missing pieces of my behaviour and attitude towards a lot of what I face in my life. I guess, in other words I had a lot trauma from my childhood and teen years which I just pushed down & never spoke about.... That's another lesson I learnt, yes speaking to someone about your life & everything you've been through is NEVER EASY! Especially to a complete stranger you don't know or trust, but I can honestly say that first all it gets easy, you start slow, get to know the person & trust them. Secondly, speaking to a complete stranger is often a better option than speaking to a family member or friend. You avoid judgemental remarks and people pitying you or in my case telling you that it's all in your head and none of what you are through is real....

Now years later I'm working with CBT therapist & I have been since November last year. CBT has helped me immensely! Whilst doing that I speak frequently and openly with my close friends and professors at university whenever I'm struggling

Over the years and I'm learning to have a better understanding about my mental health and the importance of never suffering alone! I'm not going to lie, there's so much I have yet to face because I kept pushing away all my emotions out of fear. Yet, since 2017 I have faced more than I imagined in terms of mental health issues and throughout it out I picked up a few tips:

- NEVER SUFFER ALONE 

- TALKING ABOUT IT HELPS 

- DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP OR TELL SOMEONE YOU ARE STRUGGLING 

- LET GO OF ALL YOUR EMOTIONS, DON'T KEEP PUSHING THEM AWAY (you'll feel a lot better) 

- WHENEVER YOU GOING THROUGH TOUGH TIMES, SPEAK TO THOSE YOU TRUST (Family, friends, teachers, therapists or even nurses) 

- YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE

- MOST IMPORTANTLY, LET GO OF ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OR CANNOT CHANGE (you will have less to worry about)

Have to say, most of these I don't follow often, I'm still learning to! But honestly for me what really helps is speaking to people, particularly my close friends, teachers & my therapist. I won't say family because of a simple reason that they do not understand, no matter how many times I've explained.... 

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I have panic attacks, I'm someone who over worriers a lot! I stress about little things, I often take comments about me seriously. All these combined are what makes me an insecure person, I have many many insecurities. My self-belief has been shattered more times than I can count. There's no lie I seek reassurance from people around me, but at the end of the day it helps me build my confidence, but often I'm guilty of continuously bugging people, even though I shouldn't! 

See, mental health is not something you can work through in day, week, month or even a year. There may be times that you may be able to work through it within a certain length of time, but if you are like me who has experienced trauma and continues to, then there's a chance you be dealing with mental health issues for a very long time! I used to be ashamed of them & I still am. Hence why not many people are aware of my anxiety or depression. But do you know what? I won't be ashamed! Having anxiety or depression, dealing with a variety of mental health issues DOES NOT MAKE ME A DIFFERENT PERSON, NEITHER DOES IT MEAN THAT I'M LOOSING MY MIND!! I suffer with medical conditions which are chronic & lifelong, I won't be ashamed of having anxiety and or depression, neither will I be ashamed of having insecurities! 

I'm gradually learning to not hide my emotions. Even with all the support I have I still have a long way to go. My journey isn't over, it has just begun and I'm willing to keep going! One of the most important lessons I learned over the year is that my mental health is as important as my medical health issues! 

Remember! 

•  Mental Health is as IMPORTANT as your physical, medical or any health issue!
•  ASK FOR HELP! Don't be afraid there are a variety of people you can reach out to 
•  NEVER hide your emotions, it'll just overwhelm you!
•  Do things you LOVE! Never let someone tell you to change your ways, if it makes you happy then keep doing what you love. Read a book, watch movies that make you laugh
•  NEVER let your life overtake you, remember to give yourself breaks. Looking after yourself & ensuring you are healthy not only physically, but also MENTALLY & EMOTIONALLY is  far IMPORTANT than your work, studies or other commitments. All of which I believe can re-do or get back. But not your health!
•  NEVER be ashamed of having mental health issues, it doesn't make you any less of you person! It actually makes you a STRONGER & BRAVER person!